


Well, I know I should be movin' on

by AronKBurns



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Danny has passed away, Dissociation, Grief, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Moving On, accptance, light multination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 20:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16541762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AronKBurns/pseuds/AronKBurns
Summary: Why'd Danny do it?





	Well, I know I should be movin' on

**Author's Note:**

> I always see stories about the the people who are suffering from mental illnesses but what about those around us? Suicide affects all of us, not just the person who did it

He's gone. He left. That's it, why can't I get over it? He killed himself, it's not my fault, it's his! I sighed to myself as I stared at the ceiling of this messy apartment. The apartment I shared with him before he died. I haven't bothered to touch any of his stuff as if he'd get mad when he comes back. _When he comes back_. How long has it been since I ate? Well, what day did he die? I've lost track of the days due to my excessive sleeping. I can't help it, it's the only time where I can be numb and not hurt myself.

I peered around the dusty floor I was laying on, I wasn't gunna sleep in the bed by myself, was I? No, that would result in me crying into his pillows because they smell like him. Louie's food and water bowl had been taken thanks to his ex, taking him since I wouldn't be able to do anything for a while. She's a good person, no wonder Danny likes her. Why'd he like me? Well, he didn't love me enough to stay.

The dull pain from my abdomen brings me back to reality, a reality I'd rather not live in. I take a few deep breaths as sometimes I lay still for so long my breathing slows. I force my body to roll onto my stomach, slowly pushing myself up and shakily to my feet. There's a pain in my head making me whimper, my legs feel more numb than I do, nearly making me fall.

I blindly reached out for something to stable myself with though, before I knew it I was back on the floor with a harsh pain in my hand. "Err, fuck!" I groaned out and saw blood drip out of my hand, making me frown. I looked to my left when my heart stopped.

I broke a picture frame containing a photo of me and Danny.

The photo!

I went into panic mode, scrambling my hands and legs to get up. I needed to see what I did. I had to. I took the broken frame into my hand, wincing at more glass shards digging into my hands. I felt cold

The picture took place on our first year anniversary where we had a beautiful picnic in the only greenery area near Las Angeles. I had my arm around my gorgeous boyfriend who had his hair bleached just a few hours earlier. Danny had his arms around my chest in a hug as I held the camera up to show how happy we were.

It was ripped and crinkled, Danny's lovely body had rips and folds, sort of like when he jumped in front of that moving train. As for me, there were a few wrinkles and a large rip across my arm. How ironic.

My face got warm and my vision blurred, I felt my hands shake making me drop the precious picture. My chest heaved with pants, fuck, it felt like I wasn't getting enough air but I was getting too much at the same time. My fists clenched making the shards of glass impaled me deeper and I cried out, falling to my knees. The physical pain was nothing but I had a different hurt, one that I've been avoiding. I shook on my knees as I rode out this panic attack.

I don't remember much after that, the memory is foggy and is only in snippets. I think I called someone, but who would answer? I haven't talked to anyone since I saw Danny's body. I groaned as I started to feel in my body again, my eyes opened, welcoming the sun. Fuck, when was the last time I saw it? I looked around and noticed I wasn't even in my own home anymore. Did I call Jorel? I could recognize his CDs and clothes, plus I saw his cat laying by my feet. I let out a sigh as I tried to process all that has happened in the last.... However long it's been.

I brought my hands up to rub my face but was met with bandages. Did Jay clean me up? I must've been a real wreak for him to pity me enough to help me. You could tell he was thoughtful about it too, he wrapped the fingers individually so they weren't in some clump and he used actual medical tape instead of just tape. I made a face as I felt dull pain from my hands but it took me a second to realize it wasn't the only place that was feeling pain. Oh. I looked down my arms to see that I clawed them, red scratches littered my arms, each a different length.

I've never had a panic attack this severe before, it was almost scary how this was caused by the actions of my beloved, Danny. I sat up with a pained whimper since I've been sleeping stiffly on the floor for weeks, my back ached. I panted softly and felt light-headed from just sitting up. How pathetic. I slowly got to my feet and wondered out of Jorel's room to the hall. I heard noise ahead, presumably from the kitchen. I walked in, probably looking like I should be dead. I should be dead.

Vanessa, his wife was the first to see me, she nudged Jorel and he quickly went over to me. "Hey, dude, you shouldn't be on your feet. You uh, you looked bad." He said with actual concern on his face. Jorel's usual content brown eyes showed fear and worry, something I've gotten used to seeing in Danny. "I'm fine." I pushed. I didn't want to be a dick considering he went out of his way to take me here and let me be in his and Vanessa's bed.

Jorel clenched his jaw, clearly not feeling better from my response. I stepped back and looked down. "Sorry," I muttered. Sorry. I've been saying that since Danny died as if I was a key factor in his suicide. _You were_. Jorel softens, placing his hand on my thinning shoulder. "Vanessa made some dinner! Here, I'll get you a bowl." He went into the kitchen before I could protest. Panicking me must have spilled the beans on my bad habits.

I sighed and quietly took a seat across from Vanessa, who was trying not to stare at me. I must look like dog shit to her. I looked away from her and simply held myself, it was the only way to get any sort of comfort. My sight must be a pity. I hadn't felt so insecure about myself since my first date with Danny, though at least then I could talk to him about it and get some awkward cuddles.

"Hey um..." Vanessa started as if she were afraid to say my name. "You know you can talk to Jay and I about what you're going through, right? You've always been a strong guy but it's okay to need help, ya know?" _Wow, that was a really half-assed attempt at "help"._ I internally sighed, _I won't purposely pick a fight with Jorel's wife though._

"No thanks." _That was polite, right?_ Jorel came in with a bowl of soup, setting it down in front of me. _Damn vegan._ It was only vegetables and noodles with some herbs. Jorel chuckled. "Yeah, I know you really like meat but we don't do that anymore."

I didn't want to speak, food is what I was avoiding since his death. _It's all his fault. If he wasn't so FUCKING SELFISH we'd all be happy! I don't deserve to feel this way, he's the one who made the dumbass decision to jump in front of a train! I HATE HIM!_ "Hey?" Jorel was waving his hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my toxic thoughts. "I've been calling out to you for a few minutes, you should probably eat." He had a concerned look on his face. Shit, I worried him.

I sighed and slowly started eating before realizing how good it felt to let myself eat. Jorel's concerned look melted into a smile as I ate the delicious soup, even Vanessa laughed softly. I finished the last of the potatoes and broth before lazily smiling. The soup gave me this warm safe feeling that made me sleepy. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. "I'm glad you enjoyed that," Jorel spoke with a smile as Vanessa took the bowl and spoon to be washed. "It was good, thanks, Jay." Jorel helped me up and slowly lead me to a spare bedroom, I wonder why he didn't take me there before. "V and I needed to clean a few things in here so I let you crash on my bed."

_Convenient._

I flopped onto the bed, eyes shutting on their own as Jay pulled the blanket over me. _I miss him._

**_I miss him. It should've been me. Why'd Danny do it? I miss him. He didn't deserve it. I should've helped him. It should've been me. I need to die. I loved him. Didn't he love me? No. I miss him. I should've never let him out of my sight. I should've treated him better. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself-_ **

**_HE HATED YOU._ **

I jerked up as I was pushed out of unconsciousness, looking around frantically. _It was a dream._ I laid back down, wincing at the pain on my arms, turning them over I saw that I moved some of the bandages. Luckily I didn't actually hurt myself. I felt cold all over and hugged the blanket around me, tearing up as I trembled. _I didn't mean to push him over his limit. I love him, I didn't do it on purpose._ I whimpered as a pushed my face into the pillow, crying. _I should've treated him better, it's my fault._ I sobbed into the cloth, pulling the pillow into my arms. Fuck, I missed him.

**_You could be with him._ **

I could, but what could I use? I haven't been to Jay's house in a long time, what if there's nothing I could use? I looked at the wall clock; **3:26 AM.** Could I sneak around their house? That'd be rude, they've done so much for me but I'm still not satisfied. _I'm so selfish but I have to, I can't be without Danny._ I quietly got out of the bed, opening the door with trained silence.

I peered down the dark hallway before stepping out and walking to the kitchen, stepping only on the carpet to minimize the sound. _What would I use? A knife? No, that's not certain to kill me._ I felt around carefully, I didn't want to knock anything over. My hand hit something popping out from under the counter, a handle to a drawer, slowly pulling it open, I used my sense of touch to identify what was inside.

 **Something thick and the shape of a circle, sticky on the inside perimeter, duck tape.** Not what I want. **Smooth and sharp, blade, has a handle, scissors.** Still no use, I reach deeper into the drawer. **Smooth and round, has a strap at the end that's big enough to fit a hand, wait there's a button on the end.** Light filled the drawer. A flashlight! That'll definitely help me.

I shine the white light around until it lands on a casual cabinet, pulling it open I found a few pill bottles. _Bingo._ I pointed the light towards the first one, immediately frowning. **Vitamins.** My eyes widen at the next one, **Ibuprofen.** ** _If you overdose on that, your stomach and intestines could bleed._** I didn't know how true that thought was but this was my opportunity. I look around for another set of pills to join the party. **Trazodone.** _Why does Jay have sleeping pills? Could be Vanessa's._ ** _Seizures, a respiratory arrest could happen as well._** Why do I know this?

I take the pill bottles into my anxious hands, setting them down before looking around. _I need water for these._ I point the flashlight around to find a bottle of water before nearly dropping the light and pissing my pants. "Meow?" I flinched hard then let out a sigh of relief, frowning at the black and white cat. _Fuckin cat._ I calmed myself down before looking around and finding a couple of water bottles on the floor. Grabbing and opening one I felt anxiety fill me, would I be able to take the pills quietly? _I have to._

I tilted the bottle to its side slowly, dry tablets scrapping against the inside were softly heard. I softly guided all the remaining pills into my palm, glad that my gentleness muted most of the noise. Doing the same to the other pill bottle, I now had a mix of Trazodone and Ibuprofen in my hand. Taking a shaky breath, I pushed all the pills that could fit into my mouth before drowning them in water. Instantly my tongue numbed and I now had a disgusting taste in my mouth, forcing myself to take the pills with a shudder I took a couple more gulps of water to get the pills down.

 _Fuck this is bad._ I can't go back though, I can't stop. I took another handful of Trazodone and Ibuprofen, shoving them into my mouth. It tasted so bad and the numbness overtook my mouth with the horrible sensation. Drowning the pills in water until I couldn't take it. My throat hurt, my stomach hurts and my mouth hates me. I curled up on the kitchen floor, just wanting to sleep and never wake up.

The awful numbness and horrid taste stayed, the worst part was, I couldn't sleep. I laid there for what seemed like hours until my mind decided to fuck off.  
  
  


**Warmth.**  
**Floating.**  
**Air all around.**

**The sensations I felt were calm and relaxing**. _What's going on?_ _Aron!_ _Danny? Danny?!_ _Aron, you're here! Finally, my love._ **I was no longer shrouded in darkness, given the ability to see. My love, my beautiful Danny, he was here! His bleach-blond hair looking how it did before he left, his cute Daniel Rose Supply shirt fully intact. It was incredible, he was here, he was back! There was life in his hazel eyes and a smile on his lips.**

**I felt myself get closer to Danny.** _I-I missed you, I missed you so much! You don't even realize!_ **His angelic hands reached out and held my face, I missed the warmth of his skin.** _ Baby, I'm so sorry we had to be apart. I missed you too, every second after I left was filled with pain and longing for you. But I don't regret what I did.  _ **He carried that same, happy grin. There's something wrong.** _Why don't you regret it? You gave me pain for weeks, I had breakdowns, Hell! I just tried to-_ **My warm feeling faded, cold creeping into my feet.** _ I had to, Aron. We- our love was too good for this world!  _ **His smile no longer held love, but wickedness. He took my wrist into his hand and I suddenly was able to see the true him. Everything around him darkened as his body rapidly contorted and became bloody.**

**His clothes were ripping as lots of blood leaked down his no longer living body. His forearm barely hung onto the rest of him as it tugged itself off, being held by a few sheds of muscle and tissue. He looked just like he had when the police found him after the train had passed through him. My eyes snapped to his face and I was met with a sickening scene. His empty dead eyes held its gaze on me as skin peeled down from under his left eye, exposing the eyeball and more destroyed flesh.**

**I struggled to get away from that** **_thing's_ ** **grip, panicking.** _Let go of me!_ **_ YOU DESERVE TO BE DEAD!  _ ** **It screamed. Suddenly it felt like I was being stabbed in the arm as Danny gripped into it. My chest hurt from my heart beating so fast, it felt like I was dying. I was cold all over, pain filled my upper body then, I couldn't move. Danny was gone. There was nothing around me anymore.**

I was met with pain. Before I could even take a breath, vomit was forced out of me. It felt worse than the feeling of taking all those pills. I started to feel again, noticing there were two sets of arms holding me, forcing me to puke. My eyes were hardly open, the light hurt too much to be let in. After the vile waste was out I was finally able to breathe and faintly look around. "Gargle." Someone said, holding something to my lips before I felt water pouring in, I did what I was told and tiredly gargled, cleaning my mouth before spitting it out into a plastic bag.

I leaned back, collapsing onto a mattress while panting hard. I didn't have time to open my eyes more before I was pulled into a dreamless sleep.

There was warmth and weight on me, I got the feel of a gentle but tense atmosphere when my eyes weakly opened. I was met with six pairs of eyes, seemed like I was in a hospital. _Aw shit-!_ "What the hell Aron!?" Jorel was the first to speak. My ears hurt from his yelling making me whine in pain. "You were doing fine at my place- you ate and went to bed then the next morning you're PASSED OUT on the kitchen floor with pills around you!"

Vanessa had a pained look as she put her hand on his shoulder. "He just woke up, please Jay don't yell at him." She asked softly. Jorel covered his face and walked out of the room in frustration, Vanessa following to help him. The pain in my chest increased, _I'm so stupid. Look what you've done._

A gentle hand was placed on my shoulder, making me flinch and groan at the pain from moving too fast. I was met with the sympathetic look from Jordon. "He's just stressed, he was panicking badly when I got here and he wouldn't calm down when the doctors had to hold you down as they had your stomach pumped." He explained.

I shuddered at the faint memory before looking around. Besides Jordon, there were three other people in the room, Dylan, Ana, and George. George looked grim but had a hardened look, his eyes showing sympathy. "The uh, the doctors said you have a choice between going home or," he paused before sighing. "Or going to a mental ward in the hospital. Since you're an adult, you won't be forced to go to the mental ward unless you want to."

I looked at my hands in shame, I'm so good at making bad decisions. Why're they even asking me? I can hardly process a single thing right now! Dylan spoke up. "Hey man, you could always stay with someone since I get the feeling you don't want to go to the mental place." He smiled weakly. _Who would want me to stay with them? Jay's possibly the only one but he's mad right now. I made him mad. He hates me, doesn't he?_

I blankly stared at the warm hospital sheets provided to me as static seemed to fill my head. I wanted to speak but it was like something had my mind in a hold, everything didn't feel real anymore. I watched as time seemed to go on, the guys left and Jorel came back at one point. All I remember is, he was speaking but all I heard was sound. Everything felt weird, I spoke without really processing, I felt like I was watching a movie in 1.5 faster speed.

It wasn't until I woke up the next morning when I felt in my own body again. There was a brief knock on my door before Jorel walked in, small smile on his face. "Doc says we can leave, I brought you a hoodie and sweats." I was confused, was I going with Jorel? What the Hell even happened yesterday, was that even yesterday?

Jorel seemed to notice my weird look. "Come on, you said you really wanted to stay with me, get up." _Did I? Either way it's true._ I sat up before getting off the bed, taking the clothes Jay brought for me. Soon, we were in the car with music to fill the air. "What's the plan?" I asked, timidly. Jorel had a sad smile as he spoke. "We're going to clean up your house then take some stuff to my place. You said, 'I'll spend the weekends at my house then I'll spend the rest of the time with you and Vanessa until I can make it on my own.'" He quoted.

I couldn't help the sigh that came out. Somehow my unconscious self is better at making decisions than I am. _Can I even handle going back? I haven't been there since..._

It was in no time that we got to the house. **Everything is cold and heavy, my arms weigh too much for me, I'm so cold. Somethings pushing me, my chest, who's doing this? I can't breath-**

I feel a hand on my shoulder, effectively bringing me out of whatever took me. I look to see Jorel's encouraging expression. "You got this, it's ok." Suddenly I felt something in my hand, a key. How long has it been there? My shaky hand eases the key in and the door slides open.

It looks like everything has been frozen in time, nothing in the living room has moved since... I swallow back tears. "Let's start with the messiest room, the bedroom." I saw what he was doing, he was trying to ease me by not calling it mine and Danny's room.

I stand at the entrance longer than I should and Jorel gives my arm a tug. "We have to do this now or you'll never do it." He said, truthfully. I make my legs move, leading us into the next room. It's dark and stuffy due to the lack of ventilation. "I'll grab the cleaning stuff and a few boxes." Jorel said, before going off. I was left with the mess I've made.

The glass from the picture still rests on the floor, I can't help but to wince at it. I pick up the torn picture only to realize that it doesn't look the same as before. It looks brand new, it even shines. "H-how..?" "You posted that picture on Facebook," Jorel spoke from behind me. "I just saved it and had it re-printed. I didn't have time to get a new frame but I thought this would help you."

Everything starts to become warm. I can't force words out but I know I want to say something. My legs move on their own as I hug Jorel tightly. _He did this for me, not everything is gone._ I choke up, crying into him, his arms making me safe. "You can do this, Aron."

Soon we're sweeping the floor and doing laundry. At first I didn't want to move Danny's things but Jorel said I should have them somewhere else. I gathered as much of his things into boxes as I could, there were two types of boxes: Ones for his general things and one for things I want by me. Jorel said I could have a maximum of two boxes for the things I want to keep.

Inside my personal box, I stored his favorite hoodie, a few photos that meant a lot to me that weren't already on the wall, little notes we've shared, his phone, shells we've found on the beach, a journal I didn't recognize and at the bottom of all of it was the engagement rings I never got to show Danny.

His other possessions were stored away onto a storage room.

I was sad to say the least but things looked ok, the curtains were open, the rooms were neat and everything didn't feel so heavy anymore. I was quietly sitting on my bed when Vanessa walked in, looking around. "Hey Aron, the place looks great!" Her heels clicked on the floor as she looked around.

I couldn't help but to smile a bit, this was the only real thing I've done in so long. "Thanks, I... I want to feel ok when I'm here." The rest our conversation seemed to fade out in my mind. I slipped on Danny's hoodie, I was a bit taller than him so it didn't fit all the way but my thin frame made me able to hug it against myself.

"Are you gunna be ok tonight?" Jorel's voice broke through my hazy mind. "Oh. Uh yeah, it's only Sunday so tomorrow I'll be at your place." I gave him a gentle smile as to reassure him. Jorel nodded before pulling me into a hug, I didn't know I needed it. "Good night, Aron." He said, after letting go.

I was soon alone in this, now strange, home, sat on my bed with my box in hand. "What was he hiding...?" I muttered as I picked up an unmarked journal. It had a dark red leather cover with small spirals indented on it. I opened it, skimming through, it seemed to be a mix of a diary and a song book.

_ January 2  _  
_ We shared our first New Years kiss and it felt amazing, everything between us feels so bounded together! I admit I was embarrassed that the boys just haaaad to cheer during it, ugh, such mood killers. _

_Cuz I, I think about you now and then, Ill never leave you again, when gravity pulls us in_  
There were lots of little notes and ext-out words.

_ October 15 _  
_ I did it again. I yelled at him again for hanging out with Jimmy, I can't stand him! Does he have to always make those stupid comments to him about our relationship?! Aron's irritated that I brought it up again but I'm fuckin pissed. _

_ February 16 _  
_ It was so amazing! He took me to the board walk and we got to feed the little animals there! Everything was so sweet until the end of the night, of course ;) _

I flip through further, about four months ago.

_ April 27 _  
_ Everything is so heavy. There's this constant crushing feeling ready to consume me at any moment. I'm drowning and no one around me realizes or even cares! Aron's too fucking busy with his shitty album and being with James to even notice! He's a bustard and I hope he gets hurt. _

Everything about Danny's entries got darker and worst of all, shorter.

_ May 3 _  
_ I just want to get a gun. I don't know who I'll use it on but I want one. Bang bang. _

_ Your life can end inside a moment, don't you know it? _

_ May 8 _  
_ Shut up shut up shut up _

_ May 11 _  
_ I made him breakfast and he loved it, the only problem was, I didn't believe him. Why would anything I do be good enough to please anyone. Bet he's lying. _

_ May 13 _  
_ I made him upset. He cried! I made the love of my life cry over some petty shit that doesn't even matter! I hate myself, I keep fucking up. He'll leave me soon, I know it,  _

_ May 16 _  
_ Aron canceled recording today and took to me this garden, pretty far from LA. He was so sweet, he kept telling me he wanted things to be good and that he loved me. I've accepted his love into my heart, I just have to show him I'm still his love. _

_ June 4 _  
_ I thought everything was ok. I fucking thought I could keep it together but I can't! I don't want to anymore. I'm checking the train schedules and hopefully it'll all be over soon _

His last entry felt like every single thought and feelings of pain came rushing back.

_ You know it's alright, I'm praying for the sunshine _  
_ To get me through the hard times, to get me through the hard times _  
_ You know it's alright, I'm praying for the sunshine _  
_ To get me through the hard times, to get me through the hard times _  
_ I love you, Aron.  _

I couldn't breathe for a while, everything felt like too much for me to take. I cried into his pillow, holding on for dear life. "Please! Please come back! I'm sorry!" I couldn't stop. And I didn't, not until I fell unconscious.

When I woke up, I looked around for Danny. After a moment, I took a deep breathe. "I can't. I have to... Please, don't get mad. I don't want to keep feeling like this! I want to be ok, even without you. I have to move on, I can't let you keep holding me down. I want to live my life. You'll just be a fond memory but it's all over, you're gone and I have to accept that. I want to be ok."

 


End file.
